Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
