I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
