fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
