I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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