i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
