so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
