im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
