I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
