i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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