I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
