Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
