38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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