I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
