Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
