doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
