Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
