Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's work?
Spinning.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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