you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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