so let's talk penis.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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