You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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