Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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