my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Randomize
