He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
