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This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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