doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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