Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
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Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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