my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
