naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
