i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
