well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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