We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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