he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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