I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
