1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
