I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
