so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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