i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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