who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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