My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
