Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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