I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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