Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
