i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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