I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
