Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Randomize
