GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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