Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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