remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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