hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
