I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
