today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
