It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
