Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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