They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
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We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
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So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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