Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!