My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over