4 words: hood of his car
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.