Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode