saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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