I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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